I feel like a miniature me has been set atop a spinning
record. I’m looking out at the world in a fast-paced trance but going nowhere.
I’m dizzy & tired of the ride but can’t get off. But perception isn’t
reality. It’s how I feel right now,
but the truth is my life is not spinning out of control. The truth is God’s
plans are to prosper me & not harm me (Jeremiah 29:11).
2 months ago in November I found out I was pregnant.
Shocked, overwhelmed, & excited would be the 3 most accurate adjectives to
describe my emotions. We were now going to be “that freak family” with 7 kids under
the age of 7. Yikes! 4 days after finding out I was pregnant I experienced my
first panic attack. I went home, sobbed & slept the Sunday away and then I
was fine. Then I was excited and convinced that all the glitches and stresses
of #7 would work themselves out. Ry and I re-budgeted, we began looking at 12
passenger vans, we debated whether or not to move houses, and then addressed that
lurking question of whether or not I could travel to Congo to help Ry bring our
boys home. I wouldn’t be able to get the required yellow fever vaccine nor
could I take the modern malaria medicine that woudn’t leave me with feverish
nightmares. All this to say, we were stressed, but accepted the pregnancy as a
joy & exciting test of faith.
Yesterday, however, my 8 week 5 day sonogram showed no
heartbeat. In fact it showed that my body had tricked itself into being
pregnant. All the right hormones were there in appropriate levels, the sac was
there, but no baby had formed in that sac. I now had to decide whether to wait
for my body to miscarry on it’s own or pursue medical intervention (medicine to
begin contractions or a D&C).
I’m too tired to be angry. I’m sad- at moments, horribly sad.
I’m relieved. I’m disappointed. I feel like the last 2 months were pointless. I
went from tears of panic that I was pregnant to tears of sadness that I’m not
anymore. I am relieved that some difficult decisions have been answered- I can
travel to bring my sons home & I no longer have to grieve over that possible
loss. I have hope that maybe I do actually want to be pregnant again, and maybe
someday that will happen when the timing is right. I have a heart overflowing
with gratefulness for friends that immediately stepped in to care for my kids,
to cover Ry at work so he could be with me (when I miscarried in 2009 he was
away), to bring us meals & send us messages of encouragement. Grateful for friends
taking my kids sledding right now so I can sit in a coffee shop with my husband
and get my thoughts on paper. Thankful for hugs & tears &
understanding. Thankful that I’m not alone.
In God’s perfect timing, at the very moment everything was
seemingly crumbling here, our new boys were being delivered from the war-torn
East to relative safety in Kinshasa, DRC. They are now in a better orphanage
and even had a breakfast of cranberries, apples and oatmeal this morning. We
were blessed with three new pictures of our apparently healthy, thriving boys.
Despite how I may feel, God is at
work. “Do not dwell on the past. I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do
you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert & streams in the
wasteland. (Isaiah 43:18-19” Praise God!
I think I’m going to make oatmeal with cranberries &
apples for lunch.
