Friday, February 25, 2011

Change

"I'm bored" has always been a phrase that makes my skin crawl. I cannot remember the last time I was bored, and every time I hear someone say it I automatically think, "We couldn't be friends. Get a life." How judgmental am I? (Bear with me, I just need to vent!) As opposed to feeling bored, I've felt of lately that my life has been a whirlwind, and I'm about to get swept away. And please don't tell me to "slow down" because sometimes people can't. Mouths need feeding, diapers need changing, children need correcting, bodies need exercising, and I'm tossing something special for myself in there too. Today, for some reason the cumulative effect of so much change & motion got to me.
First, the Van. Mr. Basil hand delivered the van to my doorstep this morning, helped me rearrange car seats, and then I drove us into Nashville and said goodbye to him at the airport. The van is all I could ask for in a van- light brown leather interior that will hide mud, Jack's hair, and easily wipe away yucks. It has a sunroof, which I'm a softy for. It seats 8, which I get a kick out of knowing I have the potential of toting so many people around. And lots of other perks...automatic doors, a "spy mirror" so I can watch the kiddos, in-floor storage, and lots of room. And that's what makes my heart sink a little bit...it has too much room. I already miss my crammed Camry where I can hand the girls gum or swat legs or stick a finger in Isaac's crying mouth. So, yes, change is good and it is time for a van, but change (even though good) is still emotionally draining.
Second, the girls and I spent the latter morning and early afternoon driving to government buildings in Nashville for yet more adoption paperwork-notaries and authentications that had to be updated in order for us to receive a referral. Tiring. And just one for reminder of the grueling, long process of adoption. We started over 1 1/2 years ago, and we've got more long months ahead of us while we continue to wait for this child that we've been praying for & dreaming about before I miscarried & before Isaac. In some ways it feels so unfair that I've been allowed to move on and live my life without this child that I only carry in my heart. My emotions for this boy(?) get more and more raw each day. I've starting weeping again at night for this baby wondering if he's alone, cold, & hungry. And after all that running around I received an email asking for urgent prayer because there is talk of an Ethiopian government shutdown beginning March 4th. It may or may not happen. 15 years ago it happened and only lasted 3 weeks. Just pray.
Lastly, and weirdly related, I bought new shoes today. Not only am I'm excited about these silly shoes because I think they're somewhat cute and trendy, but I'm hoping my knees will quit aching and maybe I'll get some sexier leg muscles wearing them. But on to my ranting of change...even though I'm excited about these shoes, just that small act of changing up my running shoes from my trusty Asics that I've gone back to for over 5 years is dizzying to me. I'm letting it dizzy me.
So, the van, the adoption, the shoes all signify a cacophony of change (compounded by the deployment coming and goings, selling a house, an upcoming move, thoughts of Ellie starting Kindergarten, saying goodbye to fantastic friends) that is trying to whisk me away. And while venting feels fabulous, I cannot do this in my own strength. I will sit in the bathtub tonight and quiet my heart before the Lord, and rest in His presence. He alone is God. He is in control. And whether I am weak or strong, He will be praised from my heart and then from my lips. And I will cling to His Word, and meditate on the below passage, because when I am in seasons of change I need reminders of what is truly important.
Matthew 6:25-28 The Message says "If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds."

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5 comments:

Christina said...

I love your heart and that you're so transparent. Thanks for sharing! You've got a LOT going on and I just love how even in the midst of it you remember to be still and know who's in charge. :)
Thanks for sharing sister.

Ashley said...

Just what I needed to read, at just the right time. :) Thanks, Michelle! Much love, Ashley

Jen said...

Well, I wasn't prepared for that bout of tears this morning...have to go redo my eye makeup! :) You are such a wonderful person, Michelle. And I count myself lucky to call you my friend. On a less serious note, I love the van and think it's perfect for you guys. :)

Aaron and Lacey said...

Love you!

Laura Rosenberg said...

Much needed words out here as this day has been far worse than some. (Prayin' for your move and the busy days ahead.)